Men can be baffled by women's explanations of how they should react to something they see as a simple problem that will eventually solve itself without their intervention. Yet, how wrong this assumption is!
If you're a man who desperately needs to be told how to handle your girlfriend when the floodgates open with no warning, follow these instructions. Keep in mind that you may need to omit or repeat some steps, and no matter what else, always be courteous. If you're a man who simply wants to be prepared in the event of a crying female coworker or friend flinging herself at you with apparent intent to drown, then you will also find help from these steps. And finally, but not least, if you're a woman, you might want to show this to all the men in your life on whom you may end up crying at some point. They will thank you.
Keep in mind that this article is not intended to be sexist in any way; rather, it seeks to demystify one of life's often poorly understood realities by providing a lighthearted but sensible explanation of how you can help when a woman is crying on you.
o Whatever you do, do not try to stop her from crying. She will just divert the tears to storage for later. Let her cry as long as she wants. Be aware that when a woman is crying on your shoulder or chest, time slows down by over 50 percent. It may seem like she is crying on you for an hour, but many women do not have the stamina to actually do so, because they avoid crying as much as they can. If you look at any clock, you will notice that very few women are capable of crying for more than 20 to 30 minutes.
o Pat the crying female awkwardly on one shoulder, and do not in any circumstance embrace her. You may still let her cry on you, but do not give any indication that you are enjoying this or are experiencing any emotions other than surprise and bewilderment. Act thoroughly confused at this uninvited gesture.
o If your girlfriend is watching you or the other female with narrowed eyes, raised hackles, or her tail is thrashing from side to side, it is recommended that you take action to avert her (perfectly justified) jealousy. Make a panicked expression and communicate to her that you don’t know where this woman came from or why she is crying on you. Make some small effort to dislodge the errant female. If the small effort does not work, resign yourself to being cried upon by the stranger and get your side of an argument ready about how you are a gentleman, and it is impolite to push someone away when they are in a state of distress. Tell her that offering a shoulder to cry on is one of the most gentlemanly things a guy can do.
o Also, tell your girlfriend that you will do the same for her if she ever needs to cry, with the addition of back rubs and chocolate. That should get you out of her wrath zone.
If you are somewhat familiar with this woman, it is usually acceptable to pat or rub her upper back a few times during her crying attack. Always rub between the shoulder blades, and never, ever let your hand stray within snapping distance of any bras or other lingerie she may be wearing. If you are very, very familiar with the woman, you may rub her lower back. Never, ever, ever go lower than her waist. If you grab a buttock accidentally, prepare to be slapped very hard and then ostricized by everyone in this woman's social circle. If you touch any of these "no-zones", even accidentally, you deserve the punishment.
When the crying stops, offer up any sort of wiping device, such as handkerchief, Kleenex, or even toilet paper, as long as it is sufficiently soft for her nose. To test this, rub a bit of it between your fingers, if it’s not two-ply or you can see through the sheets, or it makes a crinkling sound when crushed, don’t offer it to her. Women have an extraordinary sense of touch, and what feels okay to you can feel like sandpaper on a lady's face.
o If the woman is still so incapacitated from the emotional outpour of crying that she cannot or will not wipe her own face, it is most often acceptable to dab at her eyes gently. This will usually rouse her enough from her fugue to take over. If she reaches for the kerchief, give it to her at once. She has had enough of your ministrations.
o If you don't understand something she says, don't shrug it off. Tell her that you don't understand or didn't quite catch it.
o If what is wrong is evident, such as a funeral, just be a strong and supportive listening post. Have more handkerchiefs ready. In fact, it is a good idea to pack a supply of them if you are going to an event where there will be a lot of crying.
o If you see no way that you are able to help her fix the problem, then apologize and tell her that you cannot help her fix the problem. If you know anyone whom you think can help her fix the problem, recommend that she talk to them and enlist their help. Tell her you hope she gets her problem fixed, and if the woman seems not to be too wrapped up in the situation (or scary), tell her she can talk to you again if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on.
o There is a school of thought that goes something like this: If a man comes to a man with a problem, he wants a solution/fix. If a woman comes to a man with a problem then generally she wants to feel supported and safe. Assuming that a woman needs a fix to the problem can lead to difficulties with "not understanding" or criticisms of "it's not that simple". In general, it may be safer to quietly and calmly say "Is there anything I can do to help?"; an answer of "no", often, can be taken as a sign that now is not the time for fixing, an answer of "I don't think so" or similarly vague response can be seen as potentially something that needs helping. If so, proceed as suggested above.
